BILL MAHER

“The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn’t been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn’t such a socialist.”

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“Immigration is the big issue they’re working on in Washington. They want to create a ‘path to citizenship.’ You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone.”

“In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun.”

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JAY LENO

“A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy.”

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“This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare.”

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“People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill.”

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“When the lights first went out, out of force of habit Ray Lewis started running from security.”

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“In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Scientists have found the remains of England’s King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find his ticket. So he’ll be charged the day rate.”

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“Next year’s Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave.”

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“U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé.”

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JIMMY KIMMEL

“A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They’re retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land.”

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“Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats.”