I want a pet drone.
Let me explain.
Drones, like most weapons in the hands of other people, are unnerving. Rocket launchers. Trained attack dogs. Stealthy, malignant robots that can melt things with their eyes. I dont know if these exist, but if they do, I am strongly opposed to anyone elses having them.
You know the conjugation: Your cyborg dog is a dangerous attacker. Mine is a charming purebred. The governments is a horrible Hitlerian conspiracy waiting to happen.
I think that the nations discomfort with drones could be solved by distributing them more broadly. Take a Second Amendment approach: Why should the government get to have all the fun?
The solution to peoples fear of drones is more exposure to drones. It is like psychology when you are deathly afraid of something, the trick is to stick you into a tank full of whatever that thing is. (That might not be actual psychology so much as something I saw on an episode of Criminal Minds, but it seems applicable here.)
A friend of mine joked recently about training a drone to land on her arm, like a hawk, but I am not joking. Why not do it? No one has hawks these days, and they were so useful. Send your drone out to bring you a rabbit for dinner. Send it out for milk. Send it out to drop an apologetic card on an innocent civilian.
Why do we assume that drones have only military uses? Have it follow your crush! Thats still creepy, but it raises fewer international legal questions. Have it take aerial images of the homes of people who have left rude comments on your blog, and console yourself with thoughts of their poor taste in carpets and messy gutters.
Drones in the home will keep your Roomba from turning lonely, bored and sentient. That is the last thing you need! There is a reason nature abhors a vacuum: Nature knows the evil impulses that lurk beneath a placid surface.
A pet drone is just right for people who think a cat might be too much commitment. It is hard to train cats to hover menacingly over the heads of your enemies. They do sometimes but generally because they suspect your enemies are concealing food or birds on their person. Drones, like cats, can be quite lethal. But drones wont sneak out and devour rare voles without telling you. You dont have to feed a drone. You dont have to water a drone. You dont even have to justify your drone program to Congress, if government precedent is anything to go by. If you bring a date home, your date will not be discomfited by the presence of a drone litterbox and framed pictures of your drone in its new holiday jingle collar. Unless you want him to be.
The solution to Americas drone problem? More drones, in the hands of more people. This is usually how these sentences work: The solution to Americas X problem? More X. That will make us safer. That is how safety works.
Get a drone. Its an invisible friend with some bite.
After all, we humans are good at domesticating predators. And we know how obedient they are to our commands. Soon, they will be humming behind us in knitted sweaters and chasing lasers. Need a wedding photographer? Send the drone. Need to scout out a date before you saunter down to the coffee shop? Send the drone. Need a dog for protection? Get a drone! Watch anyone try to mug you with that Predator hovering. And it wont mortify the fire hydrant.
Drones are what weve been missing all this time. The solution to our growing and persistent discomfort about drones, the secrecy around them and the lack of oversight? Give everyone one, and see what ensues!
Join the Drones Club, as Wodehouse might have it.
If we cant all get one, Id settle for more information about the program. But Im trying to stay within the realm of possibility.
Petri writes the Posts ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news of the day.
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