Did you miss the latest Downton Abbey? Never fear. Heres the script. Warning: Spoiler alerts!
Open on interior, the servants dining room in the basement of Downton Abbey. Mrs. Hughes is in conversation with Alfred, the footman.
Mrs. Hughes: Well, theres nothing for it. Well just have to tell Mr. Carson.
Carson (walking by): Tell me what, Mrs. Hughes?
Mrs. Hughes: Its Buttercup, the Earl of Granthams yellow Labrador retriever. Shes pregnant.
Carson: A cause for celebration, surely, Mrs. Hughes.
Mrs. Hughes: Not quite. The father is the butchers dog.
Carson: The butchers dog! Never in all my years at Downton Abbey did I think I would see the day when the Earls pedigreed bitch would be impregnated by a common tradesmans mutt.
Alfred: Ah, but Mr. Carson. Times is changin.
Carson: Too fast, if you ask me.
Cut to interior, Mrs. Crawleys house. About 30 women are crammed into her drawing room.
Mrs. Crawley: I want to thank you all for coming here today, and I want to stress that I make no judgment about the choices you have made during your wretched lives. I know you are all prostitutes, but I also know you are good inside, and that it is my job to find that goodness.
Male voice at the back: Can you speak up, maam? We cant hear you at the back.
Mrs. Crawley: Is that a mans voice I hear?
Male voice at the back: Yes it is, maam. I am a man.
Mrs. Crawley: A man and a prostitute? How can that be?
Male voice at the back: I am a male prostitute, maam. Its 1922 and men are experimenting with new roles. Men can be anything they want now. Even prostitutes. My name is Adam.
Mrs. Crawley: Jolly good. You may have fallen from Gods grace, Adam, but you have not fallen from mine.
Cut to interior, Downton Abbey library. Enter: Matthew Crawley and Lady Mary.
Lady Mary: Matthew, Im so grateful to you for sinking your fortune into Downton Abbey. I love you so much.
Matthew: I love you too, Mary.
Lady Mary: And yet I cant help despising you. (She slaps him in the face and storms from the room.)
Cut to interior, York Prison. It is visiting day and Anna Bates is sitting with her wrongfully incarcerated husband, John Bates.
Bates: How is everyone at Downton, Anna? Mrs. Hughes?
Anna: It wasnt cancer, after all.
Anna: She loves Alfred, but Alfred doesnt love her.
Bates: Mrs. Patmore?
Anna: Diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
Bates: Lady Sybil?
Anna: Dead, buried, reanimated as a zombie and now stalking the village feasting on brains.
Anna: Pregnant. (She buries her face in her hands and weeps.)
Cut to interior, Downton Abbey dining room.
Robert, Earl of Grantham: Cora, may I have a word? Why are there 30 prostitutes living in tents in our back garden?
Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oh, Robert, its Matthews mothers idea. They need work, and she has them here at Downton learning to hunt voles.
Robert: Well, I suppose times are changing and Downton must change with them.
Cora: Oh, Robert, I so hoped you would see it that way.
The party sits for dinner. At dinners end, Cora stands.
Cora: Everyone, I have an announcement. You may have noticed a bulge in our under butler Thomas pocket. Its because he has a new toy. Oh, Thomas, youve been playing with Adams yo-yo, havent you? Oh, please do show us.
Thomas: Of course, maam. (Thomas pulls a yo-yo from his trouser pocket and demonstrates Around the World, Pop the Clutch and Walk the Dog.)
Cora: Oh, isnt that marvelous?
Dowager Countess: How perfectly ghastly. The only thing Id like to see dangling at the end of a string is a suffragist.
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