JIMMY FALLON
“The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: ‘We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?’ ”
“It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative $14 trillion.”
“(Wednesday was) the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being pope.’ ”
“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?”
“With the pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.”
“(Sunday) was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, ‘Who’s Gotye?’ while their kids were like, ‘What’s a record?’ ”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.”
“I love the Grammy Awards. It’s a chance for me to feel really out of touch and really old.”
“Hillary Clinton is finished as secretary of state. They had a going away party for Hillary. She had a couple of drinks and admitted she doesn’t know the difference between Paraguay and Uruguay.”
“How many of you watched the State of the Union address just for the commercials?”
“I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.”
JAY LENO
“President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, ‘Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!’ If we’re really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?”
“President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.”
“This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they played ‘Hey, Big Spender.’ ”
“Geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big super-continent. How ironic is that? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we ARE China.”
“The pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.”
