JAY LENO

“This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.”

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“In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.”

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“In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.”

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“President Obama said this week that after four years as president, ‘you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.’ So apparently he DOES watch Fox News.”

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STEPHEN COLBERT

“Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn’t connect with the Republican message of ‘Stop, thief!’”

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“Our heroic drones have so rattled al-Qaida, its leaders are distributing a 22-point tip sheet on how to avoid them. Like tip number 12: ‘Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.’ Here’s a pro-tip: switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you!”

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“Since the brutal presidential election, there’s been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one.”

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“The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it’s into remote controlled planes.”

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CONAN O’BRIEN

“Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.”

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“Big winner last night was ‘Life of Pi,’ a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of ‘The Hangover 3.’ ”

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JIMMY FALLON

“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, ‘Do you think that I could pull off bangs?’”

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“That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch.”

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“Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative ‘Let’s Move.’ Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative ‘Let’s Sit.’”