After discovering a loophole in the arcane state law allowing the General Assembly to steal other people’s airports, I am announcing today that Charlotte will replace Raleigh as the state capital.
We are doing this as an act of kindness. We got off on the wrong foot with the legislature this year.
We asked them for some spare change to help the Panthers buy an escalator. They said no, then added they would need to take over Charlotte Douglas International Airport – which has grown from a cow pasture to the sixth-busiest airport on Planet Earth under city supervision – because the city obviously did not know what it was doing.
Thus, under the general statute titled Helping Out Goobers, better known as the HOG Act, we are seizing the legislature and moving it here, because it obviously does not know what it is doing.
This is not unprecedented. Until 1722, the assembly didn’t have a permanent home. It was like a booze cruise in pantaloons. Then Edenton was selected, presumably because it had a good barn.
Then in 1766, New Bern won the contract and built Tryon Palace. After statehood, New Bern refused to build a new palace, so the legislature got mad and moved to New Orleans.
A new capital was then established in the suburbs of Cary, and lawmakers have been congregating there since 1792.
In 1963, a new legislative hall was erected, drawing on the classical architectural inspiration of a Howard Johnson’s Motor Inn.
Because the legislature obviously does not know what it is doing, some members may rebel against the idea of moving from their traditional home, a city so starved for entertainment that people go to a cold building to watch blood-thirsty Canadians push a puck around on ice as a prelude to beating each other with curved sticks.
But there will be much to like in their new home. They can meet at the Time Warner Cable Arena, which even during Bobcat games won’t provide any distractions.
If that doesn’t please everyone, we will offer incentives in the form of a truckload of folding chairs for a cozy home in Eastland Mall.
Or perhaps they’d be more comfortable at their new acquisition, Charlotte Douglas. There are rocking chairs and a couple barbecue joints.
And, after taking over the place from the incompetent management of the city, there soon should be plenty of room for lawmakers to wallow about.