CONAN O’BRIEN

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.”

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“A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit.”

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“President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said ‘Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.’ ”

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“McDonald’s has introduced a yoke-free Egg McMuffin that has only 260 calories. After hearing this, every McDonald’s customer said, ‘Sweet, I’ll have six of them.’ ”

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STEPHEN COLBERT

“I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on ‘Friends?’ Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago.”

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“If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it’s going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left.”

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“Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from ‘The Daily Show.’ We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela.”

 

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JAY LENO

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A..”

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.”

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“A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper.”

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“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president – and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.”

JIMMY KIMMEL

“Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends’ feet on vacation.”

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“Zuckerberg said that with this improved news feed Facebook hopes to give the world ‘the best personalized newspaper that we can.’ He’s playing it a little bit loose with the word ‘newspaper.’ A newspaper tells us that North Korea is threatening to attack us, not that your friend went to Panera Bread this afternoon.”

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“New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn’t that the plot of ‘Footloose’?”