Someone explain to me this footwear fashion phenomena – these ballet slipper flat shoes. Starting with, why are they called shoes when they’re slippers?

I get that they’re cute and sassy and remind us of our childhood dream of becoming a prima ballerina. But they look like little shower caps.

And that’s when they’re on your feet. When they’re off, the elastic draws them up – I keep waiting for them to roll up just like the witch’s feet under Dorothy’s house in “The Wizard of Oz.” Especially the striped ones. And the black ones look like hotdogs that got left on the grill too long and are now charred and shriveled.

But the colored ones are cute, and you can find them pretty cheap. And because you can stack them like Pringles, you never run out of room in your closet. Or your suitcase. Or the zip pocket in your cosmetic bag, because you can fold them and stash them anywhere.

But I don’t want to be able to roll up my shoes, anymore than I want to roll up my purse. What you wear on your feet, just like what you carry over your shoulder, should be sturdy. If it were all about being able to wad up my footwear and accessories, I’d just wear a pair of footies and carry a Harris Teeter bag.

I need support. I need stability. I need to be able to run across a playground without worrying about getting mulch stuck in my elastic. And I want height. I want my legs to feel long, lean and lifted, like I’m in a Leggs commercial. Not short, stubby, and stomping around like I’m barefooted.

And I’m hearing that men don’t like them because they do nothing for the calves. And in some cases, the foot itself. I’m told if you have a narrow foot it looks like you’re wearing an envelope. And if you have a wide foot, it looks like a sausage.

I think the only men that like those flats are Tom Cruise and Keith Urban because they bring their women to lower ground. That’s probably why Nicole Kidman married Keith after divorcing Tom – she probably had a hundred pairs of those shoes and didn’t want to waste them. Why do you think Katie Holmes is staying single?

I think if we want to wear dance footwear, we should all be wearing tap shoes. They’re shiny, they’re sexy, and they make a cool sound. We’d all being moving pretty quickly if we could click through our day. A lot faster than walking around on our tiptoes.

Whatever, I’m sticking with heels.