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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.”


“The island nation of Cyprus is considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: ‘You can do that?’ ”


“The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.”


“Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, ‘I could have been Pope.’ ”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody’s after the Latin vote.”


“The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.”


“Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.”


“ ‘Jeopardy’ host Alec Trebek announced that he is retiring. He said he’s too old and just doesn’t have the energy to be the host anymore. And I said, ‘Great, another conclave. Here we go.’ ”


JIMMY FALLON

“U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone’s computer. It’s called ‘Microsoft Windows.’ ”


“Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, ‘Who do you think’s going to build that path?’ ”


“A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies.”


“With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you’re spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“It’s been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn’t that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.”


“Taco Bell sold over a million Doritos Locos Tacos a day. Other companies now have taken notice. The new Blackberry is coming out in a tasty Doritos shell.”

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