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Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe YOU should take that IQ test.”


“The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters — you know, to ask them not to vote.”


“A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday’s winning Powerball ticket worth $338 million. Or as he told his five kids, ‘Great news. Three of you can go to college.’ ”


“President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.”


“Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don’t know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury.”


JAY LENO

“Are you all excited about March Madness? People are talking about who’s in, who’s out, and who’s going to be eliminated. And that’s just here at NBC.”


“Doctors in Canada were shocked after pulling a 3-inch knife blade from the back of a 32-year-old man. The knife had been in there for three years. Imagine that, the guy had a knife in his back for three years. He must have worked at NBC too.”


“Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class.”


“A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you’ve been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?”


“A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic. They are just not Americans.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.”


“It’s March Madness. If you didn’t fill out a bracket, it’s too late, but you could still throw your $10 in the garbage disposal and run it.”


“Between March Madness, Facebook, and Twitter, they say the average worker will work a total of 12 minutes over the next three weeks.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.”

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The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

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