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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term ‘illegal immigrant.’ That is out. They will now use the phrase ‘undocumented Democrat.’ ”


“Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.”


“North Korea’s threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. They released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.”

“Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.”


“Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She’s blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts.”


“Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana.”


STEPHEN COLBERT

“Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.”


“Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133 percent of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free health care!”

JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, ‘Ehh, maybe not.’ ”


“Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, ‘That guy needs to learn how to shoot.’ ”


“President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.”


“A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage.”


“Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don’t have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially came out as a lesbian.”

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