Realizations... | MomsCharlotte.com

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I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Realizations...

04/06/13 23:26
Charlotte Observer

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You wake up, put your feet on the floor and face each morning whether you want to or not… You do what you must, staying busy to get through the blur of days and nights rushing by. You keep on breathing and working hard and hoping things will get better because to think otherwise would give despair an invitation inside… In some respects things do seem better, thanks to the ongoing efforts of your subconscious mind working overtime to build tunnels and walls around the dark, cold abyss where the broken pieces of your old life lie…

After a while, some of your conscious decisions follow suit, reinforcing the protective barriers that allow you to survive…

John has been my ready-made handyman since the day we met. I’ve lost count of the number of times friends have commented on my good fortune in having a personal Mr. Fix-It available 24-7. It truly has been a blessing, but occasionally, it’s felt like a curse. He’s always needed to have some sort of home improvement ‘project’ underway, more so in the last four years than ever.

John ran out of things to do in our home and at my grandparent’s lake house last year, just in time for the challenge of a fixer-upper (after our house didn’t sell)… We both agreed that one was enough for the time being but somehow it morphed into four more after his brother decided to join in the adventure… Needless to say, the strain to get them all done has been tremendous, along with the pressure of managing so many details and of course, an added financial burden…

It wasn’t until last week while finishing up number four that I had an epiphany about all of his manic madness…

Aside from occupying him mentally (figuring out how to achieve his desired outcome) and physically (the absolute exhaustion means immediate, dreamless sleep), he takes great satisfaction in taking a dilapidated, crumbling structure and making it like new again… I finally realized that the accomplishment of bringing a property back from the edge of ruin and making it an inhabitable home soothes his sorrow in a small way; I liken it to the rise of the mythical phoenix from the smoldering pile of ashes…

He couldn’t save Brian…but he can use his skills to help someone else…while helping himself (and us) along the way…

In the inexplicable way that grief works differently for each of us, John honors Brian through these efforts and in doing so, creates another kind of legacy. It is vastly different than what I do with Brian’s bracelets, but no less important or valid.

Perhaps this could turn into another career path for us someday, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing…after all, we are not the people we were before June 12th, 2008… Maybe a lesser traveled road is meant to be part of our journey now…

Wishing you many blessings…tg

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

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