Guidelines for watching the tournament |

Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.
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Guidelines for watching the tournament

04/29/13 00:06

Thank heavens for Emily Post. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know how to watch a golf tournament. And with the Wells Fargo Championship starting next week, I need all the help I can get.

So if you’re going, too, here are Emily Post’s Guidelines for Watching a Golf Tournament:

1. Don’t ask for autographs.

No kidding, it’s rude, and distracting – those guys from Golf World and GolfWeek are just doing their jobs, so leave them alone. We all have our favorite golf bloggers, but they have work to do. Instead, maybe try to catch one of the golfers on the tee box.

2. Don’t try to talk to the players.

Obviously. Everyone knows you have to whisper. Talking out loud at Quail Hollow is like yelling at a dignitary’s funeral. Quail is proper and civilized. So when you go to ask Phil Mickelson, “Why did you use the five iron?” make sure you approach with a soft “PSST!” (no spit). And then WHISPER your question.

3. Stand still when the players are hitting shots.

But stand in a really crazy pose, like with your arms stretched up high like a bat. It makes the coolest shadows on the green.

4. Cheer, don’t jeer.

Because where else are you able to use a golf clap, and what in the world is a jeer anyway?

5. Don’t offer advice to the players.

Southern barbecue is a personal choice. They don’t need a bunch of people coming up to them and whispering, “PSST! Mac’s Speedshop.” They’ll figure it out.

6. Arrive early to get the best views possible.

I hear the prettiest houses are on the seventh hole.

7. Don’t over-imbibe.

Keeps you out of the Porta-Potty.

8. Don’t make negative comments about the players.

Their shirts aren’t supposed to match.

9. Watch your language.

Seriously, I hate it when people say things like “good hit!” Learn the proper golf terms. Like, “great drive.” And “nice putt.” And “%$#@! bunker shot.”

10. Dress appropriately – wear golf attire.

I hate this one. I don’t wear baseball attire to baseball tournaments. Or hockey attire to hockey tournaments. In fact, golf is really the only sport where you are encouraged to dress like the players. I don’t like wearing collared shirts. And these spikes are killing my feet.

Hope this helps you as much as it helps me. See you at the tournament. And don’t even THINK about getting your Golf Digest signed.

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