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Laugh Attacks

DAVID LETTERMAN

“North Carolina Senator Richard Burr . . . voted no on gun reform legislation. Last month Sen. Burr received a $1,000 donation from a British company that manufactures ammunition. Remember ladies and gentlemen, there is no background check if you plan to buy a senator.”


JAY LENO

“Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?”


“President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.”


“There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.”


BILL MAHER

“They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas.”

“It’s not just a library, it’s a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There’s a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11 . . . And there’s a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it.”


“(The Boston Marathon bombers) only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for 10 years and you only have one gun?”


STEPHEN COLBERT

“Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it’s food for kids who aren’t mine or some other stuff for people I don’t know.”

“They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your standard restaurant gripes, like ‘service took forever, was there for 25 years.’ ”


JIMMY FALLON

“There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there’s another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton’s clothes.”


“An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.”


“That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, ‘Give me your lunch money,’ students are like, ‘Here, take it.’ ”


JON STEWART

“(The Bush Presidential Library) is basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.”


“(On the library’s Decision Points Theater:) I guess that’s better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater.”

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