Hard to go... | MomsCharlotte.com

About

I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Hard to go...

By Carolina Sonshine on 05/03/13 21:55
Charlotte Observer

Image Media

When I cross that imaginary dividing line, at a point about halfway between home and the place where our old life ended, I have a physical reaction to being close to that area… Every time, my hands sweat and shake; my chest tightens; my throat aches and tears sting my eyes. It’s not logical to think an actual place is evil, yet this feeling persists deep inside of me and won’t let go… Nearly five years have gone by and I still cannot overcome my aversion to Pineville, as I found out twice in the last few weeks…

I only return to the area when I have a very good reason for doing so. It always pertains to Brian’s bracelets, either a school presentation or checking in with my friend Darin Morton, the State Farm agent in Pineville who has believed in and supported ‘Bracelets for Brian’ since nearly day one…

Part of my difficulty lies in choosing how to go: either travel along I-485 and remember the harrowing trek John and I took on that horrible day or drive straight up Highway 51/ Pineville-Matthews Road and pass the location where B lost his life… I’ve tried both; each route is different but equally difficult, and the result for me is the same…

Years ago I tried to conquer my problem by visiting the scene and leaving flowers, marking the spot and praying over the place, but it made things worse, not better, so I finally quit forcing myself to go…

John doesn’t appear to have the same sort of issue with Pineville that I do; work takes him through there on a regular basis... I suppose he is better at compartmentalizing than I am; on the other hand, we all have our demons…this happens to be one of mine.

My spiritual word for today is peace… I’ve been applying those words from Galatians to my relationships, but perhaps I need to consider them for myself too…as in giving myself permission to feel how I feel, regardless of how irrational it seems to be.

Some things simply cannot be helped…hopefully one day I will be able to make peace with what happened there…

Wishing you many blessings…tg

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

  Read more