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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Changing the story until you believe it.’ ”


“A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.”


“A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.”

“This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?’ ”


“Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.”


“So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.”


“People always say this to me: ‘Hey, Letterman,’ they say. ‘Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?’ All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.”


“Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.”


“You can now get breakfast at Taco Bell. They have a breakfast waffle taco. You get your scrambled egg, and your sausage covered with maple syrup, all wrapped in a waffle taco. And it also comes with lap-band surgery.”

JIMMY KIMMEL

“The release of the new ‘Star Trek’ movie is expected to make $100 million this weekend. That’s a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates.”


“Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award.”


“O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll even have ‘Dancing With the Stars’ by then.”

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