It is once again my pleasure to address the graduating class.
Let’s start off with congratulations. This long-awaited day marks the end of years of sacrifice and represents a gateway to new freedoms you’ve long imagined.
But that’s enough about all you parents.
You graduates who are gawking at your phones, please do not let me disturb you. I understand that you never know when someone will text about something important.
And, by the way, your parents are even more hopeless than you already imagine. If in their day they had a wee little device that held the sum knowledge of all mankind, they would probably never think of using it to look up the nearest pizza joint.
Today I offer you advice to carry with you into your lives.
For those entering the job market, you should find something for which you have a passion. A job you hate lasts well more than eight hours a day.
Don’t make it complicated. Figure out what your boss wants, and deliver.
Sooner or later, everyone gets a bad boss. That’s a signal from fate that it’s time to go looking for a good one.
You reach your absolute maximum value to your employer on the day you get an offer from a competitor.
Unless you’re applying to be a bull whisperer, that nose ring isn’t a good look for a job interview.
Show up a little early and leave a little late, and you’ll be in the right place at the right time.
There’s no such thing as a simple number.
Don’t go looking for trouble. It knows its way around and will find you when it’s ready.
Never ask, never get.
If you’re really good at arguing with cops, you’ll win a chance to argue with a judge.
Hate to tell you, but you’ll never be better looking than you are today.
You’ll make a lot of decisions in life, good and bad. Remember that picking a spouse is one you’ll have to live with.
DNT TXT N DRVE.
Some people like a lot of drama in their lives. Don’t audition for that cast.
Progress and change are the natural order. Not all changes are progressive. Pick carefully.
Every minute of the next 20 years soon will be the good old days.
That’s it. Go forth. We turn the keys to the world over to you. It comes “as is.” Please leave it in better shape than we did.
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