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20 things you get when I’m your leader

By Mark Washburn
Mark Washburn
Mark Washburn writes television and radio commentary for The Charlotte Observer.

When I’m governor – or mayor, or county manager or whatever – we’re going to have a bunch of new rules. Among them:

• You don’t just give one of those gentle Charlotte beep-beeps at the person sitting in front of you monkeying with their phone at the green light. You have to climb out of your car, sneak up to their window and set off an air horn.

• If one of those ridiculous ghost-hunting shows comes to town to film at some decrepit place, they must find a real ghost there instead of squealing at each other like little girls and asking, “Did you hear that?”

• When you get fired after years of service during a public meeting of the county board, you get a minute to speak.

• When you sit on the county board, you act like a grown-up.

• Any neighborhood overruling the construction of a Walgreens goes into a lottery to take the next homeless shelter.

• There will be clocks at the airport.

• And we build no more than one runway a year.

• You pull over when a funeral procession passes. That was a nice tradition.

• Salary caps for hospital administrations.

• Two consecutive winning seasons are required before any negotiations on stadium/arena improvements.

• If you’re, like, over 14 years of age, you get to use “like” only once in any sentence.

• Fathers will be granted the one real wish they have for Father’s Day, which is not to have to nag, nag, nag the kids to do something nice for Mother’s Day.

• Instead of tolls on I-77, we rename it the “Museum of Trucking” and charge tourists to see it.

• If Raleigh takes the airport, we get the State Fair.

• We change Concord’s name to Bruton, but that’s it.

• We quit paying for a lieutenant governor.

• Somehow we restart that program that put a musical instrument in the hands of every fifth-grader.

• We slap a state tax on that thing that is not technically, but sure looks like, video poker.

• If he brings back the old Hornets’ colors too, we cut Michael Jordan some slack for a while.

• Next train line goes to the airport.

Washburn: 704-358-5007
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