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Laugh Attacks

BILL MAHER

“Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These (dummies), do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing.”


“I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy. But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls on him?”


“The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to ‘be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.’”


“President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday.’”


“A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.”


JAY LENO

“The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.”


“According to CNN, former Sen. John Edwards is planning to open up a new law firm. John Edwards going back to work as an attorney. I guess he figured he was lying too much anyway, he might as well start getting paid for it.”


“This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.”


“In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.”


JIMMY FALLON

“During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.”


CRAIG FERGUSON

“The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.”

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