Buzz, fuzz & cuzz |

Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.
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Buzz, fuzz & cuzz

06/07/13 21:24

Well it’s almost summer. And with that comes the summer panic. And different Moms panic about different things when it comes to summer and their kids. Getting into camps, planning vacations, hiring baby sitters and stressing over how to entertain children for three months are all typical, reasonable concerns. But what am I panicked about? The buzz cut.

My 7-year-old wants one. He got one last summer. And let me just go on the record and say Mommy was not present, had not signed a release and had repeatedly, adamantly and clearly denied all prior requests.

But then came Daddy. Who thought it was a great idea. And took him to the barber, and even texted me before and after photos. In three seconds he went from child to Chia Pet, and all I could think was we won’t have any pictures of this summer.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t lost both his front teeth. My long-haired child with the wide toothy grin is now practically bald with no teeth. He’s my grandpa.

It’s just too much head. And scalp. And skull. It’s like it’s naked. And hair – much like clothing – is there for your protection. It takes long enough to put sunscreen on these kids, now I have to slather it all over their heads too? You put zinc on it and it looks like he’s wearing a swim cap.

And I think it makes him look mean, like a bully. Like when he’s sitting there with that prickly head and says, “I’m not eating this!” I sort of go limp and say, “OK, OK, I’ll order pizza.” He scares me. That same summer he came home from a birthday party with a tattoo, and for some reason I reached in my purse and gave him $20.

It’s just not a soft look, no matter who it is. Not even Brad Pitt can pull it off. Or Matt Damon, Tom Cruise or Justin Timberlake. And why do you guys need low-maintenance haircuts? You all have stylists.

And if you buzz your head, don’t grow a beard. It looks like your head’s on upside down! Same with sideburns – it looks like your eyebrows are sliding. Unless your name is Mr. Potato Head, you shouldn’t be moving all your facial hair around.

George Clooney does it right – he falls just sort of the buzz, leaving enough hair to gel into something interesting. You don’t need to buzz it all the way; leave a little. The way I see it, there are three options – Buzz, Fuzz and Cuzz. As in: Cuzz I said so.

And I say, let’s compromise. Cut it back, cut it short, but cover that scalp enough so I can’t actually see your thoughts. And no more tattoos.

And I want my 20 back.

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