Only Cake... |


I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Only Cake...

By Carolina Sonshine on 06/25/13 23:40
Charlotte Observer

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“How little remains of the man I once was, save the memory of him! But remembering is only a new form of suffering.” – Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo

This year John actually allowed the girls to acknowledge his birthday in the days leading up to it. He even gave me permission to bake the caramel cake Brian loved so much in honor of the occasion, with the stipulation that there would be no candles or singing, only cake.

John and I’ve repeatedly discussed how much he despises his birthday. He’s never liked having a fuss made over him, but now, he finds it intolerable. I try to negotiate a compromise between what my family wants to do to show him love and what he can handle.

Well, it sounded good in theory, but when it came down to the actual moment, John regretted giving the okay. The girls had stepped away to clear the table, so he and I were alone. With tears in his eyes he told me the following:

“I woke up on my birthday and my son was gone; I woke up knowing I’d never get to talk to him again. And then we had to go and do all those things, pick out a coffin, decide on clothes to bury him in, find a cemetery…I can’t stand it. I wish I could just skip it altogether. I hope someday I can make peace with it, but not now. I can’t do it, I thought I could but it’s too much.”

I already knew most of what he confided in me, but I never thought about the most obvious fact: the timing of their last conversation. While it was the worst day of our lives, at least on the morning of June 12th John had the opportunity to talk with Brian…

Relationships evolve, life happens and people change… Sometimes it’s by choice; other times, it occurs unintentionally. In our case, it was completely beyond our control. Despite knowing this, it can be a challenge to find common ground and balance the needs of everyone. We have to make allowances for each other as our journey continues… This one is pretty easy though. If John doesn’t want to acknowledge or celebrate his birthday on the actual day, it’s fine with me. We have 363 other days to choose from…

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

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