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Laugh Attacks

BILL MAHER

“The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning is that we don’t need it anymore. Racism is basically over in America, so let’s get back to talking about Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen.”


“That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.”


“The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling.”


“Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they’re against gay marriage. Now they say they’re being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how’s that feel?”


JIMMY FALLON

“NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, ‘Prison it is!’ ”


“There’s talk that a Broadway musical based on the life of rapper Tupac is in the works. So if you love Broadway musicals and gangster rap . . . well, you don’t exist.”


CRAIG FERGUSON

“ ‘The Lone Ranger’ movie made a lot of money. People went to see it because it stars Johnny Depp. He wears lots of makeup and speaks in a weird accent. I don’t know what he does in the movie.”


“Johnny Depp plays Tonto, the Lone Ranger’s sidekick. What makes more sense than a guy named Lone Ranger needing a sidekick?”

“Back in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’ Depp famously based his drunken pirate on Keith Richards. But in ‘The Lone Ranger,’ he’s playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote. So, also Keith Richards.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“On Friday Paula Deen fired her publicist. Her publicist is calling it Black Friday. I can’t repeat what Paula Deen is calling it.”


“A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the United States as the world’s fattest nation. In fact, Mexicans now are trying to cross the border just to ask, ‘Are you going to finish that?’ ”


“Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.”


JAY LENO

“(On July 4th) we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain. And our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.”


“In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.”

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