Change inevitably occurs, even in the most staid of relationships. Sometimes what brought you together isn’t what keeps you there; in fact, it could very well be the thing that drives you apart. I sort of imagine a rubber band stretched between two people, tugging and pulling in one direction or the other as life happens around them…unless they adjust to the varying tension, the band breaks.
I have borne witness to several breakups recently, two being marriages of fairly long duration. What precipitated their decisions? Surprisingly, in both cases, it was very similar reasoning. It goes to show, at the end of the day, each of us has to decide who and what we can live with.
One of the women who exited her unhappy union later told me my relationship with John is the standard she hopes to achieve someday.
Now granted, she’s held a ringside seat since the beginning of my life with him, but still… I was more than a little shocked when she said this, because our life together is far from perfect. As she knows.
“I remember the way he looked at you, and I want that for myself…”
“Yeah, I remember it too, but trust me, it’s not like that now.
Later on I shared the conversation with John and enjoyed a good laugh when he reacted just like me...
“Why?” was the first thing that popped out of his mouth…
He didn’t mean it in a negative way, nor did I. It’s just that we’ve been through so much since the day Brian left this world…we are not the same people she remembers from way back when.
On the other hand, as John pointed out, our bond today is greater than it was before, as we are bound by the unthinkable, the loss of our son.
We did change…we adjusted and adapted in order to survive. No matter what I had to do, I wasn’t letting go, nor was he. At times it has been incredibly difficult to stay together and work through our problems, particularly when walking away sometimes seemed like it could be easier.
Nevertheless, some issues cannot be resolved unless both sides are willing to put forth a significant effort. Those sorts of things are deal breakers.
I suspect what she’s searching for is the best of our past and present, but obviously without the tragedy in between.
Neither John nor I are comfortable with the idea of being an ideal…we’re just ordinary people, doing the best we can…together…
“See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” –Song of Songs 2:11
Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…