EDITOR’S NOTE: We ran across these pointers from a colleague from Up North, Les Leyne of the Victoria, B.C., Times Colonist, and thought the excerpts would enhance your Observer experience.
During this time of flux, new readers are becoming more and more valuable. So what’s needed is a primer for people on how to actually read a newspaper. You represent an elite market segment. It’s important that you reflect that. Here are some very useful tips:
• To prepare for reading a newspaper, always dress your best. Aim for casual elegance. You want to look as if you’re killing some time while your private jet is being vacuumed. Wear a really expensive watch, so it shows while you’re holding up the news-paper. I have a counterfeit Patek Philippe ($60 in Hong Kong) that goes over well.
• Always read it in a public place, preferably a nice bistro. Everybody else is going to be gazing into their phones or laptops, reading made-up crap on the Internet, with their junk strewn all over the place. Newspaper readers stand out. Because you’re smart, attractive, elite leaders.
• Walk confidently into the shop with the newspaper under your arm.
• Sit down and open it with a snap. Flick your wrists while doing that, so it sounds like a small firecracker. People will look up and realize something special is going on. A person is reading a newspaper. A murmur may pass through the room, but you’ll ignore it.
• Work on your eyebrow cocking. Always read a newspaper with a cocked eyebrow. You’re one smart cookie. You know about everything the newspaper says is happening. Hell, you made some of it happen yourself. You’re just checking to make sure we got it right.
• Always go to an inside page first. Find a really obscure story buried in the back. “IMF to collateralize Lichtenstein debt swaps.” Something like that. Hold the paper so everyone can see what you are reading. The more boring the story, the smarter you look reading it.
• Newspapers can be helpful in meeting people. If you’re a single woman, go to the sports section. Murmur something like: “Starting a right-hander against the Red Sox. Yeah, right.” Men will definitely take notice.
• If you’re a single man, go to the home section. Remark to no one in particular: “That aubergine moulding really makes the wainscotting pop.” This will go over very well.
• Victoria newspaper readers are the smartest newspaper readers in the country. So if you see someone else reading the newspaper, be careful. Take it from me, they can spot a phoney a mile away.
Just So You Know: Plagiarism is a quaint old notion these days, given that everything ends up posted everywhere. But to be safe, the above is informed by a vaguely similar piece I read years ago, and have been unable to locate to credit properly.
Reprinted with permission.
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