The Hand You're Dealt | MomsCharlotte.com

About

I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

The Hand You're Dealt

By Carolina Sonshine on 07/27/13 21:00
Charlotte Observer

Image Media

 

When the pain comes, you have to embrace it and let it flow over you, allowing those feelings you keep locked tightly away a brief sojourn into the light; I’ve found it’s the only way to reclaim your equilibrium.  Most of the time, we manage it without anyone being the wiser.  Sometimes, though, the tears just flow…

 

 

 

John and I talk about Brian often, far more than we did in the first years after we lost him. The conversation is usually light; we share stories and remember different things he said, did and/or enjoyed.  During these times I make a concerted effort not to get emotional or weepy because when I do, John gets upset too.  He’s a problem solver; any obvious displays of grief reinforce that this is one he cannot fix…

 

 

 

It’s never a single thing that knocks me off balance; it’s several, piling one on top of another in rapid succession, effectively obliterating my resolve to stay strong.

 

 

 

We were in the car, heading to the store when Dierks Bentley’s ‘What Was I Thinking’ came on the radio; John began to reminisce about Brian.  He loved singing this song; we agreed how fitting it was since we always asked him that very question when he got into trouble.  At least we did until the last time…we didn’t get the chance…

 

 

 

While I tried to think of something happier to say, Kenny Chesney’s ‘Never Wanted Nothing More’ filled the airwaves next… 

 

 

 

It felt like Brian had dropped in on us to say hello…

 

 

 

I hadn’t heard the song in such a long time; for it to randomly come on while we were talking this way was too much.

 

 

 

I couldn’t hold it in; I sat silently beside John and wept while it played.  I cried for Brian, for us, but mostly for John, because of the feelings of guilt and self-loathing he battles daily… 

 

 

 

When it was over, John looked at me and said, “I know how you feel, but there’s nothing we can do about it.  We have to carry on and do the best we can every day, like he would.  It’s what he’d expect us to do.”

 

 

 

He’s right; I know it’s true. 

 

 

 

We’re trying to be happy with what we’ve got…but the ache of Brian’s absence is always there…

 

 

 

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” –Professor Randy Pausch, ‘The Last Lecture’

 

 

 

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

 

The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

  Read more