Forward Looking... |


I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Forward Looking...

By Carolina Sonshine on 08/10/13 11:03
Charlotte Observer

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“For the first time since…I can’t remember when, actually…I’m excited about something.  I have to tell you, I’m really looking forward to our trip next week.”


John’s declaration shocked me so much that I nearly fell out of my chair.  We were sitting at the counter in our kitchen, catching up on the day’s twists and turns while waiting for supper to finish cooking…


I honestly didn’t believe he would ever feel that way again, much less say so aloud.


“Me too!” was all I could think of as a response.


When I pitched the idea of him accompanying me on my next speaking engagement, I really didn’t think he would, even though I wanted him to.  It took four years for him to go along on the first one, so I seriously doubted he would embark on another so soon.


But he said yes…he’s been busily planning our free time ever since.


I’m glad.


His being excited is a big deal. It’s a huge step for him...  We’ve been stuck in work mode for a long time, especially John. It was necessary to some extent (if we ever hope to retire someday), but he’s taken it to another level and used it as a way to punish himself.


Irresolvable guilt remains a problem...  Brian would want us to enjoy life and find some kind of happiness again, but it’s hard to feel worthy after what happened on our watch. You don’t believe you deserve to experience any joy in life when, in the darkest recesses of your mind, you know you failed to protect your family…


Even though it isn’t true.


I pray our trip turns out to be even better than he anticipates.  I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it does…




Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…





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