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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“The White House has a new slogan: ‘Hope and let the Russians fix it.’ ”


“President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president’s plan feel better now, knowing that he’s confused too.”


“First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.”


“If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.”

“A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?”


“Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.”


“Apple announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It’s so low budget, you can ask Siri a question only after she gets off her second job as a waitress.”


“Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics despite concerns about the radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics’ official mascot — a three-headed Hello Kitty.”


STEPHEN COLBERT

“We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans.”


“You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can’t even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell’s reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.”


“Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress.”


“While I was overseas, I couldn’t really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.”


“Dennis Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?”

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