No Way Around It | MomsCharlotte.com

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I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

No Way Around It

By Carolina Sonshine on 09/14/13 09:38
Charlotte Observer
  • Beach Days TAMMY GARLOCK

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The door to his room stands open, empty and silent in his absence.  It’s orderly and neat, quite unlike the way he left it all those years ago.  His bed is made, the curtains drawn and the closet doors now closed.  We seldom cross the threshold; even the dust bunnies have found other places to hide.  Nevertheless, the lone light shines in Brian’s window, reminding the world though he’s gone, he’s not forgotten…

 

 

 

But the hollow echo in our hearts rings on… 

 

 

 

We mostly ignore his space; it’s easier to look around the darkened doorway than to venture in and confront the sterile, spotless surroundings.  With the passage of time and my straightening of the place, the telltale traces that clearly marked it his own have faded; you barely catch a hint of B when standing in the middle of his room…

 

 

 

I feared it would eventually happen… I don’t know how you preserve the unique scent of a teenage boy, the one every mother knows and works hard to overcome: the sweaty, outdoorsy, deodorant-wore-off-hours-ago, spearmint-gum laced, hormone-laden, essence of dirty gym socks eau de young man…  No reason in the world to save it, except when you desperately want to hold on to one who’s gone…

 

 

 

It’s just another way we’ve lost him again, another millstone added to the choker of regret John wears heavily around his neck…

 

 

 

There’s no pretending B’s off on a trip or away at school anymore, though we don’t dare say such a thing aloud…

 

 

 

We never utter the words “Brian died” or “Brian passed away” within the walls of our home; we either say “since Brian” or we refer to the date, “since June 12, 2008”.  Even around extended family or friends, we don’t verbalize the awful reality behind Brian’s absence if John is anywhere about, for fear of his overhearing.  His reaction is extreme; although he knows it’s an absolute statement of fact, the finality conveyed through those specific words is more than he can face straight on.  It shatters his carefully arranged frame of mind, forcing the unwanted awareness back to front and center…

 

 

 

Perhaps we tiptoe around it more than we should, but we all grieve differently…we all have certain things that we cannot handle…

 

 

 

Learning to live this new life will be a lifelong process…

 

 

 

 

 

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

 

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