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Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“I’ve lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.”


“This week marked the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that’s all behind us now, huh?”


“USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it ‘Bidencare.’ ”


“According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion – thus establishing itself as the federal government’s most efficient program.”


BILL MAHER

“The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they’re against it. Now there’s a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.”


“This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World.”


“The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“A Stanford study suggests that social media is making us smarter. They examined hundreds of essays written by college freshmen between 1917 and 2006. By 2006, the papers were longer, better researched, and more complex. That’s because kids in 2006 cut and pasted them from Wikipedia.”


“The fact of the matter is that we are not getting smarter. Our phones are getting smarter.”

CRAIG FERGUSON

“We have a new Miss America. Nina Davuluri is the first Miss America of Indian-American heritage. A lot of people say having an Indian-American as Miss America is a sign of progress. I think it is. We should pat ourselves on the back for objectifying women without regard to ethnicity.”


“The big controversy in the pageant this year was that Miss Kansas had tattoos. Miss America’s main competitor is the Miss USA Pageant, which is run by Donald Trump. Trump said tattoos made Miss Kansas look silly. Then he stuck his head into a cotton candy machine to whip up a fresh batch of hair.”

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