One of my neighbors has the great idea to run the Freaky 5K in NoDa in a few weeks. Keeping up with Joneses just took on new meaning. What happened to buying a fancy car or adding a second floor? Now we have to be marathon runners?
Although, if I’m going to be peer-pressured into one of these things, this is the one to do. It’s Halloween themed so you wear a costume. I’m going to go as an accident victim, so I can legitimately wear all my ace bandages and limp across the finish line.
And just so we’re not confused about how we’re supposed to learn how to run, we’ve been provided an app for an 8-week training program. It’s called C25K – which is short for Couch to 5K – or in my case, Slouch to EKG.
It’s three times a week for eight weeks – nice and easy. Let’s see… Week 1, Day 1 – “brisk five-minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.” I got this.
Except we’ve started 2 weeks late and have to begin at Week 3: “Repetitions of the following: Jog for 90 secs; Walk for 90 secs; Jog for 3 mins; Walk for 3 mins.” I like Week 1 better. Plus, I didn’t even get to do the couch part. So instead of running the first day, I watch Jake Gyllenhaal on “Inside the Actors Studio.”
But the next day I have my own Brokeback Mountain to tackle, so I fire up the app and the nice C25K lady commands “begin your warm-up now.” Okie doke. But just 5 minutes later she blurts out “Begin running!”
Thankfully, I can’t remember how long the sequence is. Best to just think of something for a while. Like Jake Gyllenhaal – I like that guy, except he told James Lipton his least favorite word is “weird.” See now, I like that word, it says it all. And it sounds funny. It’s very unusual and you have to hold your mouth and move your lips in a certain way to even get it…
Okay, that just scared the tar out of me. I need to check the timer and see when this gal’s gonna bark out “begin running” again. Only a minute? Shouldn’t have looked. But then, like a long book that you’re not quite sure you’re gonna finish, I scroll through the app and peek to Week 8. “Jog 3 miles for 30 minutes.”
Thirty minutes?! Not even Jake Gyllenhaal can run for 30 minutes. At least not in those cowboy boots. That would be weird. Although no weirder than an accident victim running in a 5K.
I’m gonna go car shopping.
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