Save Money in this Sunday's paper

comments

Laugh Attacks

JAY LENO

“Starbucks has a new policy. If you have a gun, they’re asking you to leave it at home — thus making it easier for them to rob you.”


“Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.”


“It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.”


“Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”


“Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell Obama to ‘listen to your people.’ Is he the one to give advice about listening to his people? His people are shooting at him.”


“A Costco in Arizona is now selling a 60-year-old bottle of scotch for $17,000. You know what you can buy for $17,000 at Costco? Everything else at Costco.”

“Scientists here in California have discovered a rare species of legless lizards. Now don’t confuse that with spineless snakes; those are called congressmen. That’s totally different.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that’s up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless.”


“Starbucks announced they don’t want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous than what we serve.”

CRAIG FERGUSON

“Happy birthday to The New York Times. The Times shares its birthday with Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong and The New York Times are very different, of course. One has a history of telling lies and all kinds of crap but is now desperately trying to stay relevant. And the other one’s Lance Armstrong.”


“The New York Times is very respected. They’ve won more Pulitzer Prizes than any other newspaper. By the way, if you don’t know what that is, I’ll explain. A newspaper is a big papery blog with yesterday’s news.”

JIMMY FALLON

“For the first time in 90 years, Time magazine has appointed a female editor. But while it’s a big change for the publication, she promises it will still be the same magazine you briefly glance at before you buy an Us Weekly.”


“In a new interview, Elton John said that he will not cancel a performance in Russia later this year, despite the country’s anti-gay laws. Vladimir Putin was pretty shocked when he heard. He was like, ‘Hold on. Elton John is gay?’”


“The creator of Beanie Babies has been fined $53 million for tax evasion. But, on the plus side, if he sells all of his Beanie Babies, he’ll owe . . . probably about $53 million.”

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

  Read more



Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

  Read more


Quick Job Search
Salary Databases
Your 2 Cents
Share your opinion with our Partners
Learn More