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In My Opinion


Botox? Or more bangs for your buck?

By Tracy Lee Curtis
Tracy Lee Curtis
Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.

Catching my reflection in a car window, I am shocked at my forehead. It looks like I slept face down. On a rake. No wonder my youngest likes running his Hot Wheels across my face – it’s practically a race track.

So now comes the question of what to do about it. I figure I have two options – bangs or Botox. Hmmm …

Cost: Botox is definitely gonna cost more. I hear they charge you by the vial, and the number of vials depends on your race track. And I can tell you that not even Jeff Gordon wants to go around this many times. But bangs are pretty cheap. You just go grab the kitchen scissors.

Pain: Botox is definitely gonna hurt more. But then again, when you’re cutting hair with something used to cut flank steak, you’re probably gonna get a few nicks.

Maintenance: Bangs will be a hassle. You have to keep them straight, styled and sprayed into place. With the Botox, you’re pretty much sprayed into place for the next three or so months, so nothing to maintain there.

Stare factor: Bangs on somebody are a major distraction for me. I find myself really studying them – their length, lie and texture. A girlfriend with bangs who finishes a thought with “so what do you think?” is gonna hear something like “I think your bangs are too short and they’re not supposed to stick out from your head.” Doesn’t matter that she was asking what I thought about cooking a lasagna in a Crock-Pot.

Botox too, is a major distraction. The second somebody starts talking and I notice nothing’s moving above the eyelashes, I’m consumed with solving the mystery of has she, or hasn’t she. Once I realize she can’t blink, my thoughts turn to how many vials, how much money and how long before she’ll be able to show emotion again. And then I wonder … if you can’t emote, can you even feel?

Geography: Well, you have to drive to a plastic surgeon somewhere to get the Botox. For the bangs, you just have to go to the kitchen.

Back to the cost thing: The bangs actually save money in two areas, because if they’re long enough, not only do you not have to fix your forehead, but you don’t have to do anything to your eyebrows, either. You wouldn’t have to color, trim or pluck those things at all. You could have a full-blown unibrow under there and nobody would know. Just stay out of the wind. If they get blown to the side, it’s gonna look like you’ve got a ladder above your eyes. With that unibrow as the bottom rung.

I don’t know. Think I’ll try a ball cap.
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