Why would you ever take a mom hostage?! | MomsCharlotte.com
TRACY LEE CURTIS


Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.
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Why would you ever take a mom hostage?!

10/04/13 12:58

If you’re not watching the new show “Hostages,” you’re missing one of the greatest comedies of all time. Rogue FBI agent (Dylan McDermott) takes hostage the family of a doctor (Toni Collette), and orders her to assassinate the President during his surgery the next day. Hilarious.

Because if you’re gonna hold somebody hostage, hold some single doctor. Not a married mom with two teenagers, because ain’t nothing gonna go according to plan. Right off the bat, they have to track down the teenage daughter who’s snuck off to meet her boyfriend. Casing high school parking lots looking for your hostage, not what you had in mind, huh, Dylan?

So they nab her and head home. I think I speak for Toni Collette and all moms when I say, hey, I don’t care how they get here, I just want to get ‘em home. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dad’s dropping the bomb that the teenage son was planning to buy beer and fake ID’s. Mom figures this is the worst part of her day, but then the hostage team busts in. Thankfully, she’s already made dinner.

So the hostage team, wearing black and pointing assault rifles, surrounds them as they eat. And you know the team’s thinking this’ll be easy – it’s 24 hours, nice house, nice folks, and surely there’ll be some leftover pasta, as nobody seems to be eating.

But in another comic twist, when Dylan is made aware that the boy is secretly dealing drugs he declares, “We’re not here to sort out their problems.” Oh no? Well get ready. Because if you can’t sort their problems, you’ll be part of them.

Starting with the husband, who’s cheating on his wife. Because he has a standing Tuesday night alibi, they actually have to take him to the girlfriend’s house to keep things “normal.” It gets funnier.

The next morning, Dylan finds the teenage girl holding a pregnancy test. Can’t catch a break, can you Dylan? Welcome to the family. Good thing the surgery’s today and you can blow this popsicle stand, before Guido comes looking for his drug money, the boyfriend finds out he’s gonna be a dad, the husband gets caught with the other woman, and Toni finds out you knew about all of it. Not even an assault rifle is gonna save you from that one.

But the surgery gets postponed. And now they have to deal with all of this for TWO WEEKS. Dylan, you better hope that kid doesn’t play challenge baseball, or you’re gonna be in the car a lot. It’s just hysterical. Please please please let the hostage team still be there during the holidays. I have to see them try to survive Christmas while Toni files for divorce with a grandbaby on the way.

I’m telling you — it’s “Die Hard” meets “Married With Children.”

You gotta see it.

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