17 Years... | MomsCharlotte.com

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I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

17 Years...

By Carolina Sonshine on 11/08/13 00:02
Charlotte Observer

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Oh, Brian.

 

 

 

Some days I can hardly stand the pain… To think of where our lives were going as compared to where they are…five years later, it’s still impossible to reconcile. I suppose that’s my real mistake, comparing now and then. 

 

 

 

I thought our plans were golden…  Of course, nothing was set in stone, but I had a general sense of the direction we were heading in…together.  This most definitely wasn’t it. 

 

 

 

We set our course, but in the end, it’s out of our hands.  That’s such a hard lesson to learn.   I guess some dreams aren’t meant to come true, but even now, they’re difficult to let go of…

 

 

 

Nothing along this dismal road feels right; every moment of this life is awkward, as though something’s gone horribly wrong…because it has.

 

 

 

Like trying to celebrate your birthday without you.  I bake your favorite caramel cake every year, which seems silly since you’ll never enjoy a single crumb, but to do otherwise would leave me feeling worse.

 

 

 

Or pretending that an ‘In Memoriam’ announcement printed in the back section of the newspaper is an acceptable replacement for our heartfelt sentiments scribbled in your birthday cards…

 

 

 

I know we’re supposed to be thankful for everything in our lives, whether good or bad, but it is incredibly hard to find the blessing in this unwanted, unforeseen circumstance… The candles on your cake never shine…your room stays quiet and dark…oceans of tears fall freely from your father’s eyes…

 

 

 

I’m glad it’s not November 6, 2008; I don’t believe any of us could endure that day again. 

 

 

 

How I wish it was any one of the seventeen November 6ths before that one, because you would be here, bugging me to lick the batter from the bowl or sticking your finger in the icing’s edge, smiling your beautiful smile… 

 

 

 

Instead, you’re swinging your feet over the edge of a cloud and waiting patiently…

 

 

 

Happy 23rd birthday B…

 

 

 

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

 

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