Runaway |


I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...


By Carolina Sonshine on 11/14/13 21:50
Charlotte Observer

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Puffs of wind pull fiery leaves from their branches; the tang of wood smoke laces the chilly air...  Once again, the heightened sorrow of this season has descended, arriving alongside the early darkness of our shorter days…




It always comes down to the same thing every year, every time.  John believes we should have stayed where we were; he’s confident Brian and Grace could have dealt with the changes wrought by yet another school realignment. 




He despises our home…our neighborhood…our so-called ‘life’ after relocating a mile and a half across the road.  Like an expert arson investigator, he has studied the ashes of our old life and determined that the move was our point of origin.




It does no good to challenge his conviction; he is as certain that buying this house was the biggest mistake of our lives as he is that the sun will rise again tomorrow.




He knows I’m sick of hearing it…I’m sure he’s tired of saying it…I’m uncertain if his constant refrain is meant to punish me or to torture himself…




In my darkest hours I allow myself to consider what it would be like to just go…  I imagine breaking into a run down the leaf-strewn driveway, flying over the road and through the fairways, setting a course due south, away from the broken pieces and pretense, away from the angst and the temperamental atmosphere of our daily life.




We all have times where we contemplate a different kind of unthinkable, wondering if it would be easier to walk away and fabricate a new existence under which to live.




I always reject the notion as impossible, an exercise in futility, since success hinges upon two things: my ability to give up on the life I’m living and my capacity to forget the past. 




Neither is possible. 




And besides, how do you ever escape from yourself such that you are able to become someone new?  Is it possible for a person to simply decide such a thing?  Aren’t some things permanently etched into a person’s heart and soul?  Can you fool yourself into believing the past is really gone?  You can learn to be a lefty, wear colored contacts, dye your hair, and choose another name…but can you really change the essence of who you are?




I think not.




And I don’t really want to.




Sometimes I just forget… 




The best way to cope is by loving, not running, and facing challenges straight on, taking it one breath at a time…




Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…



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