Living Fearless? | MomsCharlotte.com

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I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Living Fearless?

By Carolina Sonshine on 11/20/13 23:55
Charlotte Observer
  • The girls & me T GARLOCK

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There are a few things that strike fear into the heart of every woman, but even more so in mine…  The first is something terrible happening to a member of my family, followed closely by having a serious health issue of my own.

 

 

 

I wage a daily war against worry of all kinds; collectively, they erode my tenuous state of balance. Despite prayer and methodical analysis of the issues, I frequently feel like my anxiety is growing stronger…

 

 

 

Especially after last week.  For the second time in nine months, I endured a series of sleepless nights, wondering if I’d been betrayed by my own body.  The first time, a spot was seen on my mammogram, which later turned out to be fine; this go round, I found a small lump in my breast which hurt.  A lot.

 

 

 

Combine fear and a weekend of increasing pain and you end up like me, in quite a state. By the time Monday rolled around, I was dazed, confused and having trouble concentrating on the simplest of tasks.  It was time to see my doctor to find out what was going on.

 

 

 

It is amazing how the mind appears to wander aimlessly when in fact it keeps circling back to the very thing you’re trying to ignore…  Even when you know full well that worrying doesn’t help, and you cannot resolve what you don’t understand…

 

 

 

You endeavor to do all the right things and still, your health can go off track…

 

 

 

Often over the last five years, I’ve considered the many ways in which the extreme, irreconcilable pain of losing a child takes its toll, especially on the parents.  John and I have aged well beyond our years.  No matter how you try to cope and manage, some measure of it cannot be channeled away.  It anchors to your soul and chips away at your defenses, almost like it wants you reunited with your child sooner than later…

 

 

 

Thankfully, once again my outcome was good.  Nevertheless, I have lingering doubts about the long term impact Brian’s loss will ultimately have on our physical health…

 

 

 

 

 

Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…

 

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