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Gifts for newsmakers

The Observer editorial board

We’ve racked our brains to come up with the following suggestions for newsmakers who shaped our city and state in 2013

For Duke Energy executives’ offices: A year’s supply of drinking water from North Carolina communities near Duke’s coal ash ponds. Just to see how confident you really are.

For churches who ended relationships with Boy Scout troops because of the Scouts’ new policy on gays: Welcome mats – in case you forgot how to bring people closer to God.

For Gov. Pat McCrory, a humble pie recipe. Cookies certainly didn’t work.

For state Reps. Harry Warren and Carl Ford, both R-Rowan, a one-way ticket to Somalia, since they want to live in a state with an official religion.

For Dianna Lightfoot, a 2014 copy of the career-search book “What color is your parachute?” Lightfoot resigned as head of the state’s pre-K program after it was discovered she has a history of opposing pre-K.

To Michael Jordan, half of a scoreboard from Jerry Richardson. With the Bobcats dead last in the NBA in scoring and with the Panthers first in points allowed, each team only needs half a scoreboard anyway.

For The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, … nothing. North Carolina has given him enough gifts already this year.

To Kroger executives, a giant VIC card. Because you sure can’t get a good deal at Harris Teeter without one.

For both Patrick Cannon and Pat Cotham, the Dale Carnegie book, “How to win friends and influence people.” We’re pretty sure neither has a copy.

For Carowinds’ corporate parent: A box of thank you cards for county commissioners and city council members who gifted you a million dollars in tax breaks for an expansion you were going to do anyway.

For Ron Rivera, an alarm clock – he really should start waking up before October....

For Edwin Peacock, an “I ♥  Charlotte” button. Without it, people like Patrick Cannon will think he hates the city where he was born and raised and worked as a public servant.

To Ron Kimble, an amateur sports complex, since his plan to sneak one through under Jerry Richardson’s cloak didn’t work out.

To Jess George, executive director of Latin American Coalition in Charlotte, a map to the governor’s mansion in Raleigh. She’ll have to go directly there with any advocacy for Latinos since Gov. McCrory eliminated his Office for Latino Affairs.

For Sen. Austin Allran, a two-year-long getaway with former Sen. Ellie Kinnaird. Allran disagrees with Kinnaird on probably every issue, but we know he’ll enjoy every minute with her since he wants to require couples to stay together for two years before they can get a divorce.

For Ricky Diaz and Matt McKillip, 100 percent raises. They may have been 24 when they got high-paying jobs at the state DHHS, but Gov. McCrory swears “they’re brilliant, just brilliant.”

For N.C. Attorney General Roy Cooper, tuition for night law school, to brush up on the duties of an attorney general.

For new Mecklenburg County manager Dena Diorio, a box of chocolates. Judging from the Pat Cotham-Harry Jones episode, she should share them with new commissioners chair Trevor Fuller.

For South Charlotte residents opposing affordable housing nearby: A framed copy of your first pay stub, to remind you that the size of your paycheck isn’t a reflection of the kind of neighbor you’ll be.

For Paula Broadwell, an agent. Oh wait, she probably already has one.

For Bob Rucho, Kim Ratliff and any other very public Twitterers –a bigger delete key. Use it.

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The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

Have a news tip? You can send it to a local news editor; email local@charlotteobserver.com to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Charlotte Observer.

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