10 reasons not to go to the Panthers game | MomsCharlotte.com

Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.
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10 reasons not to go to the Panthers game

01/13/14 00:04

I love watching football. I love the Panthers. I live in Charlotte and I work 100 yards from the stadium. But am I going over there to watch the playoff game? Nope. Because watching a football game is something I prefer to do at home. Here’s why …

You can host a party. And then the crowd comes to you. You don’t have to go anywhere or navigate traffic. Or pay $30 to park your car, only to eat out of the back of it.

The people sitting in front of you, beside you and behind you are all people you like. You won’t be yelling “down in front!” They won’t be yelling “Go 49ers!” And you won’t be getting hit in the face with a giant foam finger.

People don’t wear giant foam fingers in living rooms. Because they can’t mix a Bloody Mary. Which is really funny, because when anybody asks, “Who can make me a Bloody Mary?” it looks like they’re volunteering.

Food can be prepared ahead of time. And ready when you or anybody else wants it. You don’t have to take orders in the stands, fight your way to concessions, and wait behind a guy who just cannot decide how he wants to get his heartburn – barbecue or nachos.

I can dress for a football party, not a polar vortex. I can wear a cute outfit and not have to wear a down winter coat over it. Besides, you can’t eat a hot dog while wearing a ski glove.

Standing in line for the bathroom isn’t awkward. Because you know everybody. In fact, it’s like when you used to go to clubs with a bunch of girlfriends. That was the best part, going to the bathroom and gossiping in line. We’re older now, so we don’t gossip about our boyfriends, but we do gossip about our sons’ girlfriends, which I swear is just as much fun.

Two words: Instant Replay. A MUST for chicks, who really do want to know what’s going on in the game. I want to see the flag thrown and I want to know why there’s a flag on the play. I want to see the pass interference and I want somebody to explain to me for the 27th time why you can’t just do that – it’s football, you should be able to do that.

Three consonants: DVR. A MUST for chicks, who really do want to know what’s going on in the game. But went to get another potato skin. (Girls eat carbs at football parties; I don’t know why, but they do.)

It’s just so convenient. A football party can start whenever you want it to. And so can the game for that matter. No crowds, no lines, free food and drink, full TV coverage, and you can bring in as big a purse as you want.

But the truth is, I just didn’t have tickets.

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