The birds & bees & Beiber | MomsCharlotte.com
TRACY LEE CURTIS


Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.
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The birds & bees & Beiber

02/09/14 23:01

What does it matter what I wear for this? Just pick a shirt and be done with it. We’re just gonna talk. I want us to talk and then sort of forget about it. I don’t want him to be in his 40s and then one day say, “Mom, I remember you were wearing a bright red sweater the day we had The Talk.”

I go with a white shirt and black pants. Guess he’ll be remembering it in black and white. Honestly, I can’t even believe this day has come and it stands to go exactly how I’d always wanted it to. Mom and Dad, sitting down with their son, getting to be the first to tell him all about life’s mysteries, in our own way.

I was sure he would have heard, or seen, or been told something by now. But outside of some questions about how somebody has a baby in a car – and an episode of “Duck Dynasty” where Si simulates the mating of crawfish – we have a fairly clean slate.

And a comprehensive handout. We may have two kids, but we’re not stupid enough to think we can explain how. This booklet has diagrams – which is good because in trying to illustrate the female reproductive system, I was going to go with the flux capacitor from “Back to the Future.” This is much better.

And so we work our way through anatomy, adolescence, attraction and procreation. But then we know we have to go off-book and address some slang. I don’t want it to sound like George Carlin’s 1972 “Seven Dirty Words” routine, so I think we’ll just go through the alphabet and start with the A-word, B-word, C, D, F and G words, etc. He notes that I left out E. I tell him they didn’t make an E because F was going to be such a doozy.

And then the handout talks about choices in life. When to say yes and when to say no – and who helps us decide. Hmmm … much more to talk about during The Talk than when we were talked to. And so we talk about healthy lifestyles and healthy friends. And about peer pressure and how it’s for all time, because if you think there’s not peer pressure in the PTA, you are sadly mistaken.

We talk about honesty, abuse of privileges and Justin Bieber. That pictures, videos and texts are forever embedded in the Internet. And that true friendship is based on trust and respect, not the number of followers or likes.

We reiterate the drinking age is 21 and the drugging age is never, and neither are ever a solution to any problem. And as we continue to talk, I’m relieved we can talk so openly. And I hope he knows we are always here for him. And I pray he will always remember this day.

And I wish I had worn bright red.

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