Q: My husband and I had said that we would start trying to conceive around now, but Im feeling like it isnt the right time for children. There is instability in my job, and there are some health problems in my in-laws family. My husband says these shouldnt be reasons for us not to start trying, and that it might take a while to conceive anyway. I just dont feel ready, but he is accusing me of backing out of our deal.
A: You have to ask yourself: If you woke up with a totally secure job and good news about your in-laws health problems, would you latch on to a different excuse? Are your deepest doubts about having kids specifically tied to these two issues, or would they apply anytime?
If youre truly on board with children, a delay in the game plan can be understandable. Life happens. But its only workable if you can set some specific parameters about exactly what needs to change and by when. If youre delaying having kids in the way that the gentleman in the other letter on this page is delaying leaving his wife, then thats a conversation that shouldnt be delayed at all.
Q: Ive been involved with a married man on and off for six years. Yes, its a cliche. He originally told me he was separating from his wife, but that never happened. He now says hes waiting for his kids to be on their own. (It used to be when they left for college.) I feel like if I just hang on a little longer we can be together, but I know that is unrealistic to others. I am tired of being the other woman, but I cant seem to shake him and move on.
A: Is it unrealistic that he'll leave his wife? Of course. (Count us in with the others.) So how should you get over him? First, by starting the process of actually being separated. Yes, it will hurt at first probably badly, and possibly hideously. But until you really bring yourself to cut off contact, you cant move on.
This is especially true in your situation, where the nuts and bolts of your daily lifes structure wont look that different after youre broken up. And then you need friends, new interests, laughter, changes of scenery and, most of all, an exploration into how he came to get such a hold on you, despite what was best for you.
Andrea Bonior is a psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix. www.drandreabonior.com
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