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The Observer’s Politics & Public Policy Limericks Contest

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Corrupt mayors have to wait; it’s toe-suckin’ time

By Taylor Batten
Editorial Page Editor

Nothing makes for limerick fodder like a mayor charged with corruption. Alas, that news broke too late Wednesday, so our poets have one week to figure out words that rhyme with Cannon.

There were plenty of other topics in the news, though, and this week’s entrants seemed to be especially taken with Franklin Graham, toe-suckers and Starbucks selling alcoholic drinks. We hate to name the same winner in back-to-back weeks, but there was no denying John Long of Stanley this week’s top honors.

His take on the man arrested after sucking a woman’s toes at a Lincolnton Wal-Mart:

Now I’m just an average Joe,

Don’t care nothin’ ’bout suckin’ a toe.

But heaven forbid,

If I ever did,

I think Wal-Mart’s the LAST place I’d go.

Long also weighed in on the Hobby Lobby case being argued before the Supreme Court.

This advice may receive poor reception,

But for job hunters, here’s my perception:

Don’t apply at the Lobby,

At least if your hobby,

Is one that might lead to conception.

And he worries about drinking alcohol at Starbucks:

Starbucks will sell booze? A slam dunk.

But I’d better abstain, or I’m sunk.

Stone sober, you know,

I pay five bucks for joe,

God KNOWS what I’d do when I’m drunk!

Long’s son, Wes Long of Cramerton, has been watching a lot of cable TV coverage of the jetliner missing in the Indian Ocean:

I’m waiting for Fox News to claim

The president’s somehow to blame,

And conspire to amaze ya,

Saying, “Odd that Malaysia

Is also his first daughter’s name.”

Ken Burrows of Charlotte heard Jimmy Carter’s take on NSA spying, and wonders if even the Observer’s Limericks contest is under surveillance:

Mr. Carter says we would be wise

Not to email. And he would advise

Us to send all our mail

(Even limericks!) by snail

To secure them from NSA’s spies.

Bill McGloughlin of Charlotte isn’t buying the idea that Charlotte could land the NBA All-Star game if we spruce up Time Warner Cable Arena.

Charlotte’s hearing why we ought to pay,

From the Hornets and the NBA,

“If you love us, you’ll do

All that we want you to.”

We heard that one in high school, OK?

Finally, Phil Clutts of Harrisburg thinks Army General Jeffrey Sinclair maybe got off easy in his sexual misconduct trial.

Is there anyone more sure than I’m,

That Sinclair should be serving some time?

But if his reprimand’s oral,

For acts so immoral,

Does his punishment then fit the crime?

As usual, we received dozens more outstanding entries than we could fit here. Go to www.charlotteobserver.com/limericks to read more. And then get cracking on Cannon.

(Send all entries to tbatten@

charlotteobserver.com.)

Other great limericks that we couldn’t fit in the print version this week:

John Long of Stanley:

Toe sucker at large! What a shock!

That guy needs a head-shrinking doc.

Though the law’s on his track,

Walmart wants him back,

‘Cause the gals are lined up ’round the block.

-

Wes Long of Cramerton:

Regarding the requested improvements to TWC arena…

Charlotteans say, "Let’s make a deal,

Renovations are needed, we feel.

Fix it up, we’re agreed,

But we think all you need

Is a fresh coat of purple and teal."

Hobby Lobby might see the world differently…

If men had the babies, you’d see,

Upon Hobby Lobby’s marquee,

"Abortion kits sold,"

And written in bold,

"BUY ONE, GET A SECOND ONE FREE."

We’re losing the battle in our sanctions fight with Russia.

Russia sanctioned John Boehner, by name,

And I felt just a small bit of shame.

When they told him, "Stay out,"

Had to stifle this shout,

"In America, we feel the same!"

-

Ken Burrows of Charlotte:        

Job Creators, take note: Amelie's

Hires people with suspect CV's,

While betting their cash on

Misfits with passion

To purvey their muffins and teas.

-

Bill McGloughlin of Charlotte:

It’s like the news cycle’s on hold,

The same stories, and they’re getting old.

Airplane, ash, and Crimea.

Sure would be nice to see a

Lake Flasher, but it’s too darn cold.

His discomfort with gays, that I get,And he’s free to express it, and yet,

To announce that he’s rootin’

For Vladimir Putin?

Someone tell Franklin just to say, "Nyet!"

-

John Humphries of Lancaster, Pa.

The Queen City has earned adulation

As a much to be envied location

But the drive into work

Is hardly a perk

The commute has become a staycation

-

Lou Breaux of Charlotte.

Franklin Graham, I think it's ok,

Telling "sinners" that they've lost their way.

Yet the words that you use,

echo unChristian views.

We're all children of God, straight or gay.

-

I can help with those shoes, said he.

I'm a student of Podiatry.

Though he sucked on her toes,

could be worse I suppose,

If he studied Gynecology.

-

Peter McCormack of Cornelius. His meter is a bit off but his punchlines are great:

While Russia returns to Ivan the Great

Ukraine fears the enemy at the gate

The Allies they will scold

And leave Putin in the cold

To which he replies, I could have had a G-8!

-

The Army was forever in great despair

in regards to the illicit military affair

But it wasn't Crimea

Or pesky old North Korea

It was his privates that did in General Sinclair.

--

Bob Aldrich of Lake Waccamaw:

When the Fed Bank chose GM to bail,

They announced it was too big to fail,

GM hid conditions

Of faulty ignitions.

Is their management to big to jail?

--

J.J. Holshouser of Charlotte:

Fellow soccer moms, what do we do?

At Starbucks, chardonnay and fondue!

Where we once went for joe,

They now let the wine flow.

Call a cab. It’s a quarter to two. 

General Jeffrey, you need to atone.

Poor command of your privates you’ve shown.

The judge all but dismissed

With a slap on the wrist.

But your shot at five stars has been blown.

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