Empty Next? | MomsCharlotte.com

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I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

Empty Next?

By Carolina Sonshine on 05/11/14 20:37
Charlotte Observer
  • B's Drawer Story TAMMY GARLOCK

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I lie awake, listening carefully to the sound of a still home, minutes slipping by as I consider the unfolding future…  On one hand, this is nothing like I expected; on the other, it’s exactly as I thought it would be.

 

 

 

Less rooms to keep clean…  Fewer clothes to wash…  No dishes piled up in the sink…  A fundamental strategy shift at the grocery store… Our nest is finally empty…I’m trying to decide if less is really more…

 

 

 

Before I could corral the dust bunnies the girls left behind, the same old argument erupted and this time, I simply gave in…  There is a “For Sale” sign in our yard once again…

 

 

 

To be fair to John, there has been an internal dispute ongoing between the logical me and the emotional tg...  For nearly six years I’ve trusted His voice implicitly, guiding me to know when the time is right to do something, as He has now.  Unfortunately, my willful self is rebelling against it, though I continuously pray for peace.  I understand all of the intellectual reasons why it’s the right thing to do: too much space, different priorities, more flexibility...the list goes on and on.  My heart cries out against leaving…but why?  It’s the last place Brian ever called home…

 

 

 

It’s one thing when your children leave of their own volition; we are thrilled the girls successfully transitioned to a place of their own.  As they packed, Beth and Grace decided for themselves what they wanted to hold onto and what to pass along…

 

 

 

When I finally put Brian’s room in order three years ago, it was difficult but straightforward; I never considered letting anything go.  Had we sold, every little thing, down to the smallest scrap of paper, would have been packed away for consideration and determination at some future time and date unknown…

 

 

 

I will be the one forced to confront the single hardest thing if we move…I will have to go in alone and dismantle the life that was, deciding whether to keep or give away everything Brian owned…

 

 

 

How can I choose?  Each drawer opens a door, the briefest glimpse of before, inside the life of Brian…  Such a motley assortment of things: brittle rubber bands, deodorant to quickly swipe and go, coins and keys, used batteries, small bottles of cologne, random pictures, notes and petrified sticks of chewing gum-forgotten relics, part and parcel of our teenage boy…

 

 

 

I will have to discipline my mind...most of those things didn’t matter to B so they shouldn’t to me…  But taken as a whole, the sight…the smell…it’s all Brian…or as close to him as we can get…

 

 

 

When it gets this hard, I return to my original survival strategy…one drawer at a time, one breathe at a time, one day at a time…

 

 

 

Wishing you blessings and hope…tg

 

 

 

Tammy will update her blog weekly…

 

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