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In My Opinion

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Not losing sleep over the end of the full size bed

By Tracy Lee Curtis
Tracy Lee Curtis
Tracy Lee Curtis is a humorist, writer and speaker. She writes family humor for the Charlotte Observer. Her column appears each Sunday.

Strolling past the bedding section in Target, I see a friend loading up on sheets. I’m not surprised, because I’d told her about these awesome sheets my mom turned me on to – sateen, wrinkle-free sheets in really cute patterns.

But getting closer to her cart, I see she’s loaded up on only one size – full. And she’s only got one double bed, so I have to ask – what’s with all the full-size sheets?

“They’re phasing out the double bed,” she says in a low tone, her eyes shifting to the mattress pads. “Pretty soon, they won’t even make full sheets anymore. You won’t be able to find them … anywhere …”

I don’t know if this is a real thing or not, but now I gotta worry about this too? It’s not enough that I don’t have plenty of twin sheets to send to camp, now I gotta stockpile these stupid things?

And why am I just hearing about this? We just had a conversation about sheets and she didn’t even mention it. Actually, I do know why – it’s because women with this sort of information don’t typically share it until they’ve bought up all the goods.

I know this, because of the recent Burt’s Bees imbroglio, when two of my friends who wear my same lip shimmer remained tight-lipped over our favorite color being discontinued. That is, until they bought up every single tube, cleaning out all the stores and even Amazon.com.

Well I can read between the sheets. You’ve made your double bed, now sleep in it. And good luck with that. Those things are 54 inches wide. If you’re sharing it with someone, you’ve got a whopping 27 inches of sleeping space.

Do you know how wide that is? The back of our toilet is 27 inches. I’m not saying sharing a double bed is the same as sleeping on the back of a toilet, it’s not. The bed’s not as hard, it doesn’t clog, and nobody fights over who gets to use it first. But it’s not a lot of space.

In fact, I’m sitting in my kitchen and I can tell you 27 inches wide is three boxes of cereal with a Diet Coke laying on its side. It’s also six cans of cream of mushroom soup and four cans of vienna sausage –and don’t even act like you don’t have that in your pantry. You do.

I’m just saying I wouldn’t worry about buying up full sheets, or even hanging on to that bed. I’ve got one, but only because it deters company – nobody wants to sleep on something only slightly wider than their newspaper.

But when they do come, I take off my one set of full sheets, and then just wrap the double bed in queens. Tuck the top sheet in loose, and it makes a nice little side hammock for when they start to roll off the mattress.

Whatever. I gotta get to Rite Aid – new shipment of Burt’s Bees comin’ in …

tcurtis@charlotteobserver.com
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