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Rivenbark: ‘Kimye' wedding will last 26 months

By Celia Rivenbark

Joining the ranks of dewy-eyed couples getting hitched this summer are giddy newlyweds Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. I give it 26 months.

Y’all know I am never wrong about these things. So. Start counting forward from the blessed day, May 24, 2014, and at midnight exactly 26 months from now it will be all about “irreconcilable wardrobes” and similar piffle. Set your watch. (Note to Kim: When the little hand is on the 12 …)

Why am I so jaded when it comes to thrice-married Kim and notoriously faux angry Kanye? Well, perhaps because when you see that even Paul Simon and Edie Brickell are beating the crap out of each other, you start to lose faith in marriages between the Famous and the Famouser.

True, it’s kind of a wash with Kimye because they are equally famous.

One has talent, the other has a passel of screechy sisters and a mother who is starting to resemble Maleficent more every day.

Honestly, I hope these crazy kids prove me wrong. I hope their marriage is less Katy Perry/Russell Brand and more Joanne Woodward/Paul Newman.

I know. I crack myself up.

Of course, Kim and Kanye got married. They have such an irresistible joint nickname why wouldn’t they want to make it official? Also a child but, no, it’s the cute nickname that really spelled matrimony for these two cuddle bugs.

This is Kim’s third go-round and the others were notoriously short-lived. Kanye is just notoriously short – but I digress.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different size yacht for the inevitable cruise at Cannes. No? Well, it’s something like that.

It’s not the brevity of Kim’s previous marriage to “some ballplayer” that makes me think Kimye as a corporation will flounder. Plenty of people get it right the second, third or even fourth time. It happens every day and I certainly would hope this one works out because, well, I’m not a monster, I just play one in print.

But, here’s the thing. Ray J, one of Kim’s exes and her co-star in a pornographic video the two made that has earned $50 million, promised to donate the proceeds of sex-tape sales for four months ($47,000 to be exact) to Kim’s favorite charity as a wedding present!

I am sure that we are all just a little weepy after hearing this.

Especially Kim, who is wondering if she really, truly has to give it away. Just think of it! Is there really a more magnanimous gesture than giving some of the money from the sex tape you made with your ex as a wedding gift to the woman who was in the tape with you? I mean, this is “Prairie Home Companion” levels of touching and sweet, am I right?

Writing the thank-you note could be a bit problematic. It’s not a set of Corelle, after all. Sigh. #richpeopleproblems.

rivenbark.com

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