A baby not her own: questions | MomsCharlotte.com

A baby not her own: questions

Elena Pimonova - Getty Images/iStockphoto

Written by Stacey Ashe

The thought of carrying and delivering twins is exhausting, but the idea of carrying those twins and handing them over to another family is emotionally and physically overwhelming. But that's what Charlotte mom Stacey Ashe did - 3 times - as she worked as a surrogate. In this 8-part series, Ashe dispels the myths and and shares the truth about being a surrogate and how someone becomes a mom.

Read Part One: a surrogate's tale

Part Two: How much money do you make? And other silly surrogacy questions

Surrogacy is a very misunderstood topic. When people heard that I was a surrogate, I can’t tell you how many times the conversation turned to, “I saw a show about that once….” Let me be the first to tell you, in reality, it’s nowhere near that dramatic!

For the most part, being a surrogate is a wonderful journey that ends in both parties very happy with their decision. The majority of surrogacy situations do not end up on Dateline.

The most common and taxing question I was often asked was, “How much money do you make?” Much like asking someone how much money they make at a job, it’s simply not an okay question to ask. Quite frankly, it’s not something that I have ever shared with anyone, and probably never will.

At the end of the day, surrogacy is not something to ever do for money. No amount of money would be “worth” carrying a child for someone else. So, if you ever meet someone who is carrying a baby for someone else, just don’t ask.

Other questions you should avoid include these gems that I was asked:

“Are they your babies?” No

“How did you ‘get pregnant’?” I became pregnant through IVF (in vitro fertilization), not some crazy backwoods thing like you might be thinking.

“Do you know who is getting the babies?” Yes, we knew who was getting the babies before we started, their parents got them.

“What happens if you want to keep them?” There was never an option of keeping them…they weren’t mine!!!

“Does your husband know?” “Do you tell your children?”

Seriously?? I’m not sure about most pregnant women, but since you could pretty much see me from space while I was pregnant, it wasn’t really an option to hide it from my husband or children! Not that I would want to anyway.

As a rule of thumb, I think it’s a good idea that if you wouldn’t ask a “regular” pregnant woman the question, then you probably shouldn’t ask a surrogate. Yes, it’s a bit of a novelty for most people, but keep in mind, she is a person, and she probably has really strong feelings about the children she is carrying and the family she is carrying them for, so tread lightly with the intrusive questions!

Coming next week: Part three - the spark that started it all

stacey headshotStacey Ashe has been a surrogate three times (delivering twins with each pregnancy!) and is the mother of three amazing children of her own - two boys, and one girl. Stacey and her husband recently adopted their daughter from China, id a Registered Nurse, and is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's not your average mom, and likes to stay busy all the time.

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