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Part 4: family relations

07/17/14 12:34

Written by Stacey Ashe

The thought of carrying and delivering twins is exhausting, but the idea of carrying those twins and handing them over to another family is emotionally and physically overwhelming. But that's what Charlotte mom Stacey Ashe did - 3 times - as she worked as a surrogate. In this 8-part series, Ashe dispels the myths and and shares the truth about being a surrogate and how someone becomes a mom.



Read Part One: a surrogate's tale
Part Two: How much money do you make? And other silly surrogacy questions
Part Three: picking parents

Part four: Family Relations

The topic of the babies I carried is always the most interesting. Of course, the question I was always asked was, “Did you get attached to the babies while you were pregnant?” For the most part, I gave sort of a canned answer of, “Well, it’s a different kind of pregnancy. It’s just physical, and not all of the emotional and mental stuff.”

That’s pretty much true….pretty much.

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t any attachment. But it’s not like you think.

I had two pregnancies with my own children, and I can say for certain that those were not like the surrogate pregnancies at all. Yet with the surrogate pregnancies, while I didn’t necessarily feel attached to the children I was carrying, I did get attached to the families.

Each relationship was very different, and each evolved in its own way. But this topic is something that is resolved before any pregnancy happens. Parents and surrogates discuss what type of relationship they want post-pregnancy. Some families just want someone who will carry the babies and then not be a part of their life, which is totally fine. With others parents, they wish to continue the relationship and the surrogate truly becomes part of the family.

Each one of my surrogate journeys fell along that spectrum somewhere.

I have been a surrogate to twins three times and I have three very different relationships. There is one couple that we receive annual Christmas cards from, and we get to see how the kids are growing, but that’s about it. And that is fine.

With the other two, we have been so blessed and really feel like a part of their families. My oldest son and I attended the christening of one set of twins, and we have seen them several times since then as well. The twins know that I carried them, and as they were leaving last time we saw them they told me they loved me….I can’t even describe how special that felt.

The last set of twins I was lucky enough to carry has resulted in two of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. They live over the ocean and far away, but it doesn’t feel that way. We are remarkably close.

For me, I was able to keep my feelings separate while I was carrying these beautiful children, but there is no way I could have done it and not had some sort of attachment to the families. This is something that binds you together, no matter what.

There is nothing more personal than giving birth, and to do it for another family truly will bond you. I feel like I share something with each of them that no one will ever be able to understand.

So, when I tell folks “No, I didn’t get attached to the babies, “ there may be a little more to that story.


Coming next week: Part Five

stacey headshotStacey Ashe has been a surrogate three times (delivering twins with each pregnancy!) and is the mother of three amazing children of her own - two boys, and one girl. Stacey and her husband recently adopted their daughter from China, id a Registered Nurse, and is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's not your average mom, and likes to stay busy all the time.

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