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June 25, 2012

They're crazy for 'The Bachelorette.' Literally.

On Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” much ado was made about the fact that Arie failed to mention to Emily that he once dated show producer Cassie Lambert.

Host Chris Harrison introduced the revelation gravely, giving the news roughly the same tone Dan Rather used as he told viewers the country was going to war in 2001: “Cassie took it upon herself to tell Emily about it as soon as it became apparent that Emily was developing some serious feelings for Arie.”

Of course, this begs the question: Why didn’t Cassie take it upon herself to tell Emily about it when he was initially cast? What was the thought process? Gee, let’s not tell Emily when she’s got NO feelings for the guy – let’s wait till she has SERIOUS feelings for him. She’ll be more understanding then!

It’s bizarre.

I mean, not Doug bizarre. When you’re Doug bizarre, you practically recoil from the touch of a beautiful woman; you stand in a downpour talking to said beautiful woman while holding the umbrella directly over your own head as she gets drenched; you believe kissing this beautiful woman like she’s your grandma will sweep her off her feet.

When you’re Doug bizarre, you go home.

John, meanwhile, wasn’t bizarre, just misguided. Nice guy, sure. But if he would give the decidedly ho-hum one-on-one date we saw him go on with Emily a 10 like, what would a 7 involve? Food poisoning at dinner and a fender bender on the way back to the hotel?

When you’re John misguided, you go home.

Technically, Arie, Jef, Sean and Chris are going home, too. Except they’re not going alone. Next week, Emily will accompany each of the remaining four guys on hometown visits so she can meet their families.

With Arie’s, we’re likely to hear some racing talk, since his dad also made a living off the sport. In Jef’s case, it sounds like she’ll have to wait to meet his South Carolina mom and pop – “they won’t be there” because they are “committed to some stuff for a few years out there.” (I do and don’t want to know, at the same time.) With Sean’s, who knows what the topics of conversation will be? Maybe GNC products and body waxing?

Then there’s Chris, who’s just lucky to still be here. Really lucky. REALLY lucky.

Despite the fact that he appeared to be only a hair more stable than Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” for most of his screen time (by my count, he used the word “crazy” to describe himself four times), he still managed to score an awkward make-out session during an even more awkward double date with Sean.

And despite the fact that he hadn’t gone on a one-on-one date since Charlotte – meaning he’s been on exactly one solo date with Emily over the course of the whole season – he still managed to tell us, with a straight face: “I am falling in love with her.”

His last-ditch effort to save himself worked at the rose ceremony worked, and he landed the fourth and final flower as John’s night went from a 10 to a 61/2. But at this point, Chris has as good a chance of getting engaged to Cassie Lambert as he does of winding up with Emily.

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