In the final minutes of Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” Charlotte mommy Emily Maynard walked out of the rose ceremony, distraught over the difficult decision at hand, and had an impromptu back-alley conference with Chris Harrison. The host told her, flatly: “There are no rules here. You do what you want to do.”
Really? No rules? There aren’t predetermined dates, rose ceremonies that follow those dates, a script that Harrison doesn’t seem to deviate from except when he tells people “There are no rules here”?
OK, then – let’s pretend that’s true. There are no rules here. So let’s suggest some.
Rule No. 1: You are not allowed to wear shirts that look like a cross between a sports bra and a chef’s apron, then refer to yourself as “a little bit of a bad boy.” Oh, and you also are not allowed to wear turquoise shoes and then call yourself “the mean man.”
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Rule No. 2: You are not allowed to suggest that you are among “some of the greatest men in the world” if you are in fact among some of the biggest wankers. You also cannot say “When you look at me, you’re looking at a winner” moments after you have just lost.
I could go on and on making rules – a.k.a. jokes at Ryan’s expense – especially considering the fact that Emily sent him packing and it’s my last chance to do so. But I only have a limited amount of space, so I’ll simply say this: The world is our pearl. No it’s not, it’s our oyster.
Anyway, Ryan is gone, and Travis is out, too (despite his feeling that his date with Emily was “a 10 on a scale of 8,” which must be one of the least commonly used scales in the history of measurement).
This leaves Sean, who got a kiss after playing the Highland Games about as well as he could have played them; Chris, who got a kiss after playing the Highland Games about as poorly as he could have played them; Jef, who continued to have a weird haircut; Doug, who cried about his son; John, who cried about his grandfather; and Arie.
Arie didn’t cry, didn’t have a weird haircut, and didn’t play the Highland Games particularly well or poorly, but he did very much enjoy more tonsil hockey sessions with Emily.
And the producers seem to very much enjoy getting footage of Arie playing tonsil hockey with Emily, to the point where they let him crash Emily’s private living quarters and steal some time that apparently the other guys don’t/won’t/can’t get.
Isn’t there some sort of rule that – oh wait. Duh! There are no rules here, says Chris Harrison!
And that means at the final rose ceremony, John and Doug are both given roses and no one (besides Travis and Ryan) have to go home after all. Maybe Emily can just keep giving out six roses every week and the show can go on forever and it can be sort of like a soapy, overproduced network version of “Big Love,” where all seven of them live happily ever after!
Alas, there seems to be trouble in paradise. Next week, Arie’s shocking past relationship with a “Bachelorette” producer is revealed. His days as the kissing bandit may be numbered