The men were supposed to tell all on Monday night’s “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” episode. But really, we didn’t learn anything we didn’t already know.
Chris cemented his reputation as a hothead. (“When there’s something I really believe in, I’ll do anything in the world to fight for it,” he said in response to host Chris Harrison’s question about his temper, as steam poured from his nostrils. “If it looks like I’m coming off angry, then that’s how I come off.”)
Doug cemented his reputation as a dweeb. (Reflecting on his snap decision to kiss Emily as she prepared to dump him back in Prague, he admitted – while his face turned roughly the shade of the show’s famous roses – “I kind of read that whole thing wrong.”)
Kalon cemented his reputation as a creep. (After Emily called him out Monday for making a disparaging joke about her online, he smugly twirled his metaphorical mustache and said, “I guess I’m flattered you follow me on Twitter. I don’t know what to say.”)
Ryan cemented his reputation as a buffoon. (Given the chance by Harrison to recant his statement to Emily about loving his hypothetical wife less if she gained weight, the former college football star fumbled: “I wouldn’t take that back. I said it in humor, I’d say it again.”)
And Sean is still pretty much America’s male sweetheart.
During the reunion, the second runner-up smiled at all the right moments, looked heartbroken at all the right moments, took his shirt off at all the right moments – er, we only saw his six-pack once, during a highlight reel, but that didn’t stop the female-dominated studio audience from cheering as if Harrison had just announced they were all getting free Toyotas.
Indeed, the Dallas insurance agent came out looking the cleanest, with Emily herself a close second.
Emerging late in the episode, Charlotte’s most famous single mom managed to make Chris, Doug, Ryan and Sean each feel special, building up their self-esteems with genuine-sounding compliments and self-deprecating humor. She also earned points for best putdown of the night, directed at – who else? – Kalon: “I just hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your helicopter.”
My one quibble is that I still don’t feel like we have clarity on the whole Sean situation.
She comes out Monday night and tells Sean she really was falling in love with him, that her feelings for him were true/genuine/real, that when she watched the episode where she dumped him, she “did the ugly cry – ugly, ugly, ugly cry.” Then she turns to the audience and says, “I mean, what girl wouldn’t want Sean?”
Uhhhh you, apparently?
If there’s a straightforward reason, Emily hasn’t articulated it. Does Mr. Perfect have brutal halitosis? Uncontrollable flatulence? A third nipple? No, we’ve seen him with his shirt off, it can’t be that.
I guess we’ll never know. And so it comes down to Arie and Jef, and the final rose, and what Harrison calls “the moment all of America has been waiting for” (begging the question, are there really only 8.1 million people living in the U.S. right now?).
We’ll learn of her decision during Sunday night’s three-hour finale, which will run almost as long as “Titanic” and will probably consist of about 2 hours and 52 minutes of plugs for “Bachelor Pad.”