May 24, 2014 12:00 AM

Summa cum lawd-loudy

For reasons that I can’t fathom, unless it’s because I write too often about flatulence and the TV characters that I believe are my Real Family, nobody has ever asked me to give a commencement speech. After 20 plus years as a syndicated humor columnist, it’s a rather embarrassing hole in the old resume'. It’s not that I haven’t hinted about my availability. But usually the response is on the order of a rather underwhelmed “Well, yes. Uh. I guess you could sit in the balcony with the screaming babies but it gets pretty hot up there.”

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